Super Sleuth 3: Meet the Paternosters
It was another perfect summer day in Auckland. Sexy Voord was sunbathing at Mission Bay in a black and white striped bikini and appreciating the view overlooking the Waitamata Harbour towards Rangitoto island. This city is perfect, she thought to herself, letting the moment erase all memory of substandard public transport. She smiled at the sound of nearby kids laughing and having fun.
Only one thing was disrupting the moment. Sexy Voord was hungry. She got up, dusted off the sand and headed towards a frozen yoghurt shop. She loved frozen yoghurt. She also loved cats, rom-coms and the Bangles (she was resisting the urge to walk like an Egyptian), but those are unimportant for this story. She came to the edge of the road and got ready to cross.
She found a safe place to cross (S)
She was standing on the pavement (P)
She looked left and right, and listened (L)
She let some traffic pass (I)
Since there was now no traffic, she walked straight across the road (N)
As Sexy Voord crossed, she kept looking and listening (K)
Sexy Voord safely made it across the road. She turned around to look at some children on the other side of the Tamaki Drive.
"SPLINK!!" she shouted to them. They grinned. She smiled back. She enjoyed teaching youngsters how to cross the road. As she turned back, something in the corner of her eye caught her attention. She looked at it. A black box came wobbling from the sky towards her. There was no point running from it. She waited, and it absorbed her, taking her away to another time and place.
*
"AHAAAAAAAAAAAAA," came a short cry of delight. She turned to look at the source of the noise. As she did, she noticed her surroundings. It looked like Victorian times. She had seen plenty of illustrations of it in books. She was sure of it. Definitely Victorian England. And the source of the cry? It was a short squat guy in a suit. Sexy Voord blinked to clear her head. Not a guy. A sontaran.
"Surrender now, alien boy," demanded the sontaran.
"I am not a boy," replied Sexy Voord, and she indicated her black and white bikini.
"Sorry about that. Always getting it mixed up. I'll try again. Surrender now, alien girl!"
"Why?"
"I have grenades!"
Sexy Voord was about to reply, when a female voice called through the air. It sounded angry.
"Strax!" it said harshly. "Have you been playing with the time scoop again?" The speaker came into view. She looked like a cross between a lizard and a human. Stood behind her was an attractive lady with black hair.
"No," the sontaran replied, clumsily trying to hide a remote device behind his back.
"Then what is she doing here?" asked the lizard-woman, pointing at Sexy Voord. She felt the lizard lady looking at her. Despite the rough tone of voice, the eyes glanced over her kindly, almost like she was attracted to her.
"Uhhhh...."
"Go on," prompted the reptile lady.
"She's.....my secret lover. We were about to have sexual intercourse when you walked in." the sontaran smiled, hoping that his lie would trick her.
"Really?" The lizard lady addressed Sexy Voord. "And by the way love, there's no need to wear a bikini. You are covered in leather, are you not?"
Sexy Voord untied her swimsuit and let it fall to the ground (Don't get excited Garr!). "I am not his lover. I live in the 21st century. I was about to get some food when a scoop picked me up and brought me here."
"Excuse me ma'am," squeaked the cute lady behind the lizard. "But she's a Voord isn't she?"
"Yes?"
"Well it could be her, couldn't it?"
"Can I at least throw my grenades at her?" asked the sontaran.
"Shut up Strax," shouted the reptile woman. "Go on, Jenny dear."
"Well a voord, on earth. It can only be her. Sexy Voord. Good friend of the Doctor."
"You may be right." The lizard turned to Sexy Voord. "You must forgive Strax. He our butler. He's got a good heart, but he does tend to get too excited at times. I am Madame Vastra. A Silurian and a close friend of the Doctor. And this is my wife, Ms Jenny Flint. We, like you, are investigators."
"I'm not," said Strax. "I'm more of a lone ranger."
Vastra ignored him. She approached Sexy Voord and put an arm around her. She led her inside a nearby house, and Jenny poured them some tea. Strax meanwhile, stood where he was, contemplating life, the universe and everything. After twenty minutes of motionless thinking, he pointed skywards.
"Eureka!"
*
Strax ran inside. He entered the living room and stopped. The three ladies (each a different species) were piled together, having some sort of intergalactic threesome.
"Well this is awkward," Strax said, looking downward.
"What is it Strax?" barked Vastra. Jenny looked embarrassed.
"Well I've been thinking. She's a detective too. Why not use her? Help solve that unsolvable case. You've been going on an on about it all month."
"Thank you for your thoughts Strax, but I had already thought of that, asked her, she accepted and we were celebrating that when you rudely interrupted."
"Yes Madame Vastra. Sorry Madame Vastra."
"Make sure you knock before entering," instructed Jenny as Strax left the room, leaving them to get back to 'business.'
*
That evening Madame Vastra and Jenny explained the unsolvable case to Sexy Voord, whilst Strax was upstairs polishing his laser monkey ball. She had several newspapers covering the table, with several stories highlighted.
"It's been happening everywhere. People. Respectable people. Family people. Waking up and finding their house covered in faeces."
"That's poo poo," Jenny said, in case Sexy Voord didn't know the word faeces. Vastra continued.
"We've interviewed them. Considered motives. Compiled a list of suspects. Everything. But nothing works. We're no closer to solving it."
"We thought it may be to do with love," said Jenny. "You know, he sleeping around, and an unpaid prostitute covers the house in poo poo in an act of revenge. But Vastra's asked. Put truth serum in their drinks. They're innocent. There's no extra marital hanky panky."
Something in the papers caught Sexy Voord's eye. "Who do you interrogate about that?"
"About associating with prostitutes?" asked Jenny.
"Yes. It could be important."
"Well the husbands of course. Big business men, it's not unusual for them to be messing about."
"Did you ask the wives?"
"No," said Jenny.
"Why do you ask?" said Vastra.
By way of answer, Sexy Voord pointed to an advertisment in one of the newspapers. In big bold print it had the title 'Want a piece of Adric?'
*
Sexy Voord and the Paternosters set their trap. Jenny responded to Adric's advertisement. He was offering his services as a man-whore. At 11:30pm that evening, there was a subtle tap tap tap on their front door. Jenny opened the door in her catsuit.
"Adric?"
"Yes. Where do you want it?" replied the Sex God of Galaxy 5. Jenny looked upwards to distract him. Adric looked upwards. Unbeknownst to him, Sexy Voord had emerged from next door's door way. She rushed over and executed a perfect rugby tackle on Adric. It was one of many skills she learnt in New Zealand. Strax appeared from another doorway, and trained his gun on Adric's forehead.
"Keep still, Alazarian scum!" he cried.
*
Later that night, Vastra and her team had tied up Adric and he confessed everything. He had grown tired of his life as the Casanova of Galaxy 5. He had come to earth for some new thrills. He set up a business offering his services pleasuring women. But being women, they had no money to pay him. So he took his revenge. At night he would sneak out and cover their houses in excrement. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling Paternosters and Sexy Voord.
"Only thing left to do is to sort out what to do with Adric," commented Jenny.
"Fear not, that's being taken care of," replied Vastra. Strax carried Adric (and the chair he was tied to) outside, where a strange sight was waiting. A tall T-Rex with an afro, sparkling blue eyes and wearing a tuxedo was waiting for them.
"It'd Dinosaur Who!!" gasped Jenny.
Dr Who roared his hello, and comically waved his short hands. Then he reached down, picked Adric and the chair up in his mouth, waved again, and walked off towards his TARDIS at the end of Paternoster Row (so that he could take Adric back to Galaxy 5).
The end.
And if you're wondering what happened to Sexy Voord, well she stayed in Victorian London for a while. She helped out the Paternosters on a few investigations, but in the end they used the time scoop to send her back to New Zealand so that she could get her frozen yoghurt
Only one thing was disrupting the moment. Sexy Voord was hungry. She got up, dusted off the sand and headed towards a frozen yoghurt shop. She loved frozen yoghurt. She also loved cats, rom-coms and the Bangles (she was resisting the urge to walk like an Egyptian), but those are unimportant for this story. She came to the edge of the road and got ready to cross.
She found a safe place to cross (S)
She was standing on the pavement (P)
She looked left and right, and listened (L)
She let some traffic pass (I)
Since there was now no traffic, she walked straight across the road (N)
As Sexy Voord crossed, she kept looking and listening (K)
Sexy Voord safely made it across the road. She turned around to look at some children on the other side of the Tamaki Drive.
"SPLINK!!" she shouted to them. They grinned. She smiled back. She enjoyed teaching youngsters how to cross the road. As she turned back, something in the corner of her eye caught her attention. She looked at it. A black box came wobbling from the sky towards her. There was no point running from it. She waited, and it absorbed her, taking her away to another time and place.
*
"AHAAAAAAAAAAAAA," came a short cry of delight. She turned to look at the source of the noise. As she did, she noticed her surroundings. It looked like Victorian times. She had seen plenty of illustrations of it in books. She was sure of it. Definitely Victorian England. And the source of the cry? It was a short squat guy in a suit. Sexy Voord blinked to clear her head. Not a guy. A sontaran.
"Surrender now, alien boy," demanded the sontaran.
"I am not a boy," replied Sexy Voord, and she indicated her black and white bikini.
"Sorry about that. Always getting it mixed up. I'll try again. Surrender now, alien girl!"
"Why?"
"I have grenades!"
Sexy Voord was about to reply, when a female voice called through the air. It sounded angry.
"Strax!" it said harshly. "Have you been playing with the time scoop again?" The speaker came into view. She looked like a cross between a lizard and a human. Stood behind her was an attractive lady with black hair.
"No," the sontaran replied, clumsily trying to hide a remote device behind his back.
"Then what is she doing here?" asked the lizard-woman, pointing at Sexy Voord. She felt the lizard lady looking at her. Despite the rough tone of voice, the eyes glanced over her kindly, almost like she was attracted to her.
"Uhhhh...."
"Go on," prompted the reptile lady.
"She's.....my secret lover. We were about to have sexual intercourse when you walked in." the sontaran smiled, hoping that his lie would trick her.
"Really?" The lizard lady addressed Sexy Voord. "And by the way love, there's no need to wear a bikini. You are covered in leather, are you not?"
Sexy Voord untied her swimsuit and let it fall to the ground (Don't get excited Garr!). "I am not his lover. I live in the 21st century. I was about to get some food when a scoop picked me up and brought me here."
"Excuse me ma'am," squeaked the cute lady behind the lizard. "But she's a Voord isn't she?"
"Yes?"
"Well it could be her, couldn't it?"
"Can I at least throw my grenades at her?" asked the sontaran.
"Shut up Strax," shouted the reptile woman. "Go on, Jenny dear."
"Well a voord, on earth. It can only be her. Sexy Voord. Good friend of the Doctor."
"You may be right." The lizard turned to Sexy Voord. "You must forgive Strax. He our butler. He's got a good heart, but he does tend to get too excited at times. I am Madame Vastra. A Silurian and a close friend of the Doctor. And this is my wife, Ms Jenny Flint. We, like you, are investigators."
"I'm not," said Strax. "I'm more of a lone ranger."
Vastra ignored him. She approached Sexy Voord and put an arm around her. She led her inside a nearby house, and Jenny poured them some tea. Strax meanwhile, stood where he was, contemplating life, the universe and everything. After twenty minutes of motionless thinking, he pointed skywards.
"Eureka!"
*
Strax ran inside. He entered the living room and stopped. The three ladies (each a different species) were piled together, having some sort of intergalactic threesome.
"Well this is awkward," Strax said, looking downward.
"What is it Strax?" barked Vastra. Jenny looked embarrassed.
"Well I've been thinking. She's a detective too. Why not use her? Help solve that unsolvable case. You've been going on an on about it all month."
"Thank you for your thoughts Strax, but I had already thought of that, asked her, she accepted and we were celebrating that when you rudely interrupted."
"Yes Madame Vastra. Sorry Madame Vastra."
"Make sure you knock before entering," instructed Jenny as Strax left the room, leaving them to get back to 'business.'
*
That evening Madame Vastra and Jenny explained the unsolvable case to Sexy Voord, whilst Strax was upstairs polishing his laser monkey ball. She had several newspapers covering the table, with several stories highlighted.
"It's been happening everywhere. People. Respectable people. Family people. Waking up and finding their house covered in faeces."
"That's poo poo," Jenny said, in case Sexy Voord didn't know the word faeces. Vastra continued.
"We've interviewed them. Considered motives. Compiled a list of suspects. Everything. But nothing works. We're no closer to solving it."
"We thought it may be to do with love," said Jenny. "You know, he sleeping around, and an unpaid prostitute covers the house in poo poo in an act of revenge. But Vastra's asked. Put truth serum in their drinks. They're innocent. There's no extra marital hanky panky."
Something in the papers caught Sexy Voord's eye. "Who do you interrogate about that?"
"About associating with prostitutes?" asked Jenny.
"Yes. It could be important."
"Well the husbands of course. Big business men, it's not unusual for them to be messing about."
"Did you ask the wives?"
"No," said Jenny.
"Why do you ask?" said Vastra.
By way of answer, Sexy Voord pointed to an advertisment in one of the newspapers. In big bold print it had the title 'Want a piece of Adric?'
*
Sexy Voord and the Paternosters set their trap. Jenny responded to Adric's advertisement. He was offering his services as a man-whore. At 11:30pm that evening, there was a subtle tap tap tap on their front door. Jenny opened the door in her catsuit.
"Adric?"
"Yes. Where do you want it?" replied the Sex God of Galaxy 5. Jenny looked upwards to distract him. Adric looked upwards. Unbeknownst to him, Sexy Voord had emerged from next door's door way. She rushed over and executed a perfect rugby tackle on Adric. It was one of many skills she learnt in New Zealand. Strax appeared from another doorway, and trained his gun on Adric's forehead.
"Keep still, Alazarian scum!" he cried.
*
Later that night, Vastra and her team had tied up Adric and he confessed everything. He had grown tired of his life as the Casanova of Galaxy 5. He had come to earth for some new thrills. He set up a business offering his services pleasuring women. But being women, they had no money to pay him. So he took his revenge. At night he would sneak out and cover their houses in excrement. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling Paternosters and Sexy Voord.
"Only thing left to do is to sort out what to do with Adric," commented Jenny.
"Fear not, that's being taken care of," replied Vastra. Strax carried Adric (and the chair he was tied to) outside, where a strange sight was waiting. A tall T-Rex with an afro, sparkling blue eyes and wearing a tuxedo was waiting for them.
"It'd Dinosaur Who!!" gasped Jenny.
Dr Who roared his hello, and comically waved his short hands. Then he reached down, picked Adric and the chair up in his mouth, waved again, and walked off towards his TARDIS at the end of Paternoster Row (so that he could take Adric back to Galaxy 5).
The end.
And if you're wondering what happened to Sexy Voord, well she stayed in Victorian London for a while. She helped out the Paternosters on a few investigations, but in the end they used the time scoop to send her back to New Zealand so that she could get her frozen yoghurt