Heart
"Do it again!" cried Mel Bush.
Sabalom Glitz winked. Trousers around his ankles, and bum warming the cool pearl toilet seat, Glitz started to push. His face turned to a grimace. Finally, a satisfied plop sounded from the toilet bowl. Glitz leaned to one side and lifted his cheek. He and Mel then looked down into the bowl. Ignoring the smell, they smiled. Floating on top of the water was a heart shaped poo. Beneath it were more heart shaped poos which had already sunk to the bottom of the bowl.
"They're beautiful," sighed Mel, her voice filled with delight.
"Indeed. I'm bombing Pearl Harbour...with hearts!" joked Glitz. Mel laughed.
It was at that moment that everything changed on earth. Mel and Sabalom Glitz floated upwards; Glitz with such force that his head burst the ceiling into another apartment. It lodged in next to a baby lying on the floor. Glitz screamed. Baby cried. Gravity returned to normal and Glitz fell back into his apartment. But what happened?
***
Bush and Glitz looked out their window. Another giant planet filled the sky. Earth was attached to it, like an ugly pimple on the bum of an overpriced, too-old hooker. Mel wandered over and tapped a panel on the wall. The wall folded back, revealing a supercomputer.
"Mr Smith, I need you," she said. "Please scan Earth and the nearby planet for traces of the Doctor.
Numerous crosshairs streaked across a monitor of the planets.
"Search finds....nothing," the machine replied.
"Ok, scan for Sexy Voord or her new assistant Virat."
"Search finds....nothing," repeated the machine.
"They've gone on holiday with Alpha Centauri, darling," mentioned Glitz, still staring at the anomaly in the window.
"Oh. Please scan for any sign of Captain Jack Harkness, Chris Benoit or Agent Tortoise," asked Mel, referring to more associates of Dr Who.
Once again there was no trace of them. "Your friends aren't here!" smirked Mr Smith.
"Come on Sabalom," said Mel, "it's up to us to save the planet!"
***
What followed was a boring sequence of Mel and Glitz going towards the mysterious planet. They arrived and entered a dark, brooding tower.
***
Sticky Floor was the only thing separating our duo from confronting the dastardly dude who had kidnapped Earth. Mel tried to cross it, but her feet got stuck on Sticky Floor. She tried to step forward but she couldn't. She tugged and tugged and eventually fell over. Glitz bent down, grabbed her arm and was somehow able to pull Mel to safety. But her sparkling blue dress was stuck to Sticky Floor and it was ripped off her as she escaped from the clutches of Sticky Floor, exposing her lovely polka-dotted underwear.
Sabalom Glitz was equally aroused and horrified. A woman in her bra and panties was inappropriate if anybody was to novelise their adventure. Like a gentleman, Glitz removed his shirt and trousers and offered them to his wife. Glitz in his black leather g-string was more acceptable, he reasoned.
With the dress acting like a sacrifice, Sticky Floor was satisfied, and it lost its stickiness. Glitz and Mel was able to cross safely. Beyond them, an old oak door swung open.
***
Sabalom and Mel walked into a large, circular room. Several other doors lined the walls. In the centre was a throne. On the throne sat a man. He looked familiar. The man had an enormous, bushy mustache.
"By Jove, it's Stalin!" exclaimed Mel.
"Space Stalin, actually, said Space Stalin, correcting Mel. I am a space version of your awesome Earth leader, who was superior to any American President."
"Except for Barack Obama, of course," smiled Glitz.
"Well that goes without saying, doesn't it?" said Space Stalin. "That dude reeked of awesomeness. But enough pleasantries. Now I shall have you two killed!"
Doors opened. Metal robots with chainsaws for arms approached. Glitz and Mel gulped. They were doomed. The fear suddenly struck Glitz. His intestines constricted. Involuntarily, Glitz did a poo which slipped past his leather g-string. The poo was shaped like a heart. Space Stalin saw the poo. Inside him, something remarkable happened. He felt something odd beneath his left breast. The heart shaped poo was so cute! That cuteness was melting Space Stalin's iron heart. It was now a normal heart.
"What am I doing?" he asked. He saw the error of his ways. He let Glitz and Mel leave, then he put Earth back in its rightful place. The people of Earth were so grateful they unanimously voted to change Christmas into the celebration of Space Stalin's birth. And in appreciation of the courage of Mel and Glitz they built statues of the duo on every street corner.
And that is the story of why there are statues of Glitz in a g-string and Mel dressed like a man all over Earth.
Sabalom Glitz winked. Trousers around his ankles, and bum warming the cool pearl toilet seat, Glitz started to push. His face turned to a grimace. Finally, a satisfied plop sounded from the toilet bowl. Glitz leaned to one side and lifted his cheek. He and Mel then looked down into the bowl. Ignoring the smell, they smiled. Floating on top of the water was a heart shaped poo. Beneath it were more heart shaped poos which had already sunk to the bottom of the bowl.
"They're beautiful," sighed Mel, her voice filled with delight.
"Indeed. I'm bombing Pearl Harbour...with hearts!" joked Glitz. Mel laughed.
It was at that moment that everything changed on earth. Mel and Sabalom Glitz floated upwards; Glitz with such force that his head burst the ceiling into another apartment. It lodged in next to a baby lying on the floor. Glitz screamed. Baby cried. Gravity returned to normal and Glitz fell back into his apartment. But what happened?
***
Bush and Glitz looked out their window. Another giant planet filled the sky. Earth was attached to it, like an ugly pimple on the bum of an overpriced, too-old hooker. Mel wandered over and tapped a panel on the wall. The wall folded back, revealing a supercomputer.
"Mr Smith, I need you," she said. "Please scan Earth and the nearby planet for traces of the Doctor.
Numerous crosshairs streaked across a monitor of the planets.
"Search finds....nothing," the machine replied.
"Ok, scan for Sexy Voord or her new assistant Virat."
"Search finds....nothing," repeated the machine.
"They've gone on holiday with Alpha Centauri, darling," mentioned Glitz, still staring at the anomaly in the window.
"Oh. Please scan for any sign of Captain Jack Harkness, Chris Benoit or Agent Tortoise," asked Mel, referring to more associates of Dr Who.
Once again there was no trace of them. "Your friends aren't here!" smirked Mr Smith.
"Come on Sabalom," said Mel, "it's up to us to save the planet!"
***
What followed was a boring sequence of Mel and Glitz going towards the mysterious planet. They arrived and entered a dark, brooding tower.
***
Sticky Floor was the only thing separating our duo from confronting the dastardly dude who had kidnapped Earth. Mel tried to cross it, but her feet got stuck on Sticky Floor. She tried to step forward but she couldn't. She tugged and tugged and eventually fell over. Glitz bent down, grabbed her arm and was somehow able to pull Mel to safety. But her sparkling blue dress was stuck to Sticky Floor and it was ripped off her as she escaped from the clutches of Sticky Floor, exposing her lovely polka-dotted underwear.
Sabalom Glitz was equally aroused and horrified. A woman in her bra and panties was inappropriate if anybody was to novelise their adventure. Like a gentleman, Glitz removed his shirt and trousers and offered them to his wife. Glitz in his black leather g-string was more acceptable, he reasoned.
With the dress acting like a sacrifice, Sticky Floor was satisfied, and it lost its stickiness. Glitz and Mel was able to cross safely. Beyond them, an old oak door swung open.
***
Sabalom and Mel walked into a large, circular room. Several other doors lined the walls. In the centre was a throne. On the throne sat a man. He looked familiar. The man had an enormous, bushy mustache.
"By Jove, it's Stalin!" exclaimed Mel.
"Space Stalin, actually, said Space Stalin, correcting Mel. I am a space version of your awesome Earth leader, who was superior to any American President."
"Except for Barack Obama, of course," smiled Glitz.
"Well that goes without saying, doesn't it?" said Space Stalin. "That dude reeked of awesomeness. But enough pleasantries. Now I shall have you two killed!"
Doors opened. Metal robots with chainsaws for arms approached. Glitz and Mel gulped. They were doomed. The fear suddenly struck Glitz. His intestines constricted. Involuntarily, Glitz did a poo which slipped past his leather g-string. The poo was shaped like a heart. Space Stalin saw the poo. Inside him, something remarkable happened. He felt something odd beneath his left breast. The heart shaped poo was so cute! That cuteness was melting Space Stalin's iron heart. It was now a normal heart.
"What am I doing?" he asked. He saw the error of his ways. He let Glitz and Mel leave, then he put Earth back in its rightful place. The people of Earth were so grateful they unanimously voted to change Christmas into the celebration of Space Stalin's birth. And in appreciation of the courage of Mel and Glitz they built statues of the duo on every street corner.
And that is the story of why there are statues of Glitz in a g-string and Mel dressed like a man all over Earth.