The Curse of the Gugelhuff
Mrs Marjorie Matterson, of 33 Pudding Crescent, Southern Surrey, was busy with
the dishes whilst her family of five were in the living room, watching the Benny
Hill Show. She was happily scrubbing away at the cake dish when there was a loud
knock on their door.
“I’ll get it,” she called out to the rest of her family. She opened the door to find a strange thing staring back at her. The Gugelhuff, 1 foot wide and 7 inches tall, hopped forward. It had a single eye, unblinking and fill of hate. Mrs Matterson screamed as the Gugelhuff opened wide and consumed her. The rest of the family could not hear the scream nor the Gugelhuff’s belch over their laughter at ol’ Benny’s antics. Undisturbed, the Gugelhuff turned around and walked back down the garden path and approached the next house. Mrs Harrison too was eaten by the Gugelhuff.And young Jimmy Jones. And many other residents of Pudding Crescent.
***
“Another disused junkyard. Really?”
Professor Bernice Summerfield was getting rather angry. This was now three junkyards in a row that the Doctor had taken her to. The first one was an accident (a bit of fluff got caught in the time rotor); the second was an accident too (“oops. Pushed the wrong button,” explained the Doctor) but this one was intentional.
“My dear Benny, as an archaeologist you should delight in the opportunity to go through this mess,” said the Doctor, indicating the huge piles of rubbish surrounding them. “You might stumble upon something fascinating. Aaaah, there it is.” He pointed forwards, at some smoke emanating from a haphazard pile of rubble. Benny followed the Doctor, and as she drew nearer noticed a body of a short girl with red, curly hair lying motionless amongst the wreckage.
“A body,” she said, rather needlessly.
“Mel!” cried the Doctor, his Scottish twang echoing around the junkyard. He hurried forward and turned her over. Slowly her cute little eyelids fluttered. “Yes...” encouraged the Doctor.
“Glitz,” Mel said, in hardly more than a whisper. What did she mean?
“I’m here too Doctor,” declared Sabalom Glitz, approaching from behind Benny.
It was at that moment that Benny noticed something strange. She looked at the rubbish surrounding Mel and Glitz. It appeared to go together, and that it had crashed here. And when she squinted and turned her head sideways, it looked familiar. “Doctor, it’s the TARDIS!”
“Ahem,” coughed Glitzy (that was Mel’s nickname for him). “I think you’ll find that it is actually a collection of parts from my ship, the Nosferatu II, assembled in a manner resembling your TARDIS.”
“You tried to build a mini TARDIS? But why?” asked the Doctor.
“To give you this note you sent us,” said Glitz, stepping forward ominously and handing the Doctor a piece of paper. He looked down at it. It said just one word.
“Gugelhuff.”
***
Mrs Mills, of *the exact location must remain vague* was preparing for a good ol’ fashioned knees up. The turkey was in the oven, and her three cats were outside chasing birds. Any moment her guests were due to arrive. The sounds of the television were drifting into her kitchen. It was breaking news.
“Yes, yes, what we are hearing is of a wild Gugelhuff murdering innocent civilians in Surrey...”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Mrs Mills aloud, though there was nobody around to hear her. “I must inform the Doctor and UNIT.” You see, Mrs Mills, of *the exact location must remain vague*, was a former secret agent for the military organisation UNIT and helped the third incarnation of the Doctor on many dangerous missions. She reached for her telephone...
***
“Who was that?” asked Mel, as the Doctor finally finished his phone call.
“That Mel, was an old friend. That Gugelhuff that you and Glitz came to warn me about is loose in Surrey.
“Surrey?” exclaimed Benny. “But that’s miles away. How are we going to get down there?”
At that moment, their attention was diverted by a flash of yellow entering the junkyard. “Doctor!” came a gruff cry from the flash of yellow.
“Ah, Brigadier,” said the Doctor affectionately, stepping towards the newcomer. It was Brigadier Winifred Bambera, the current head of UNIT. She was sitting in the driver’s seat of Bessie. Bessie was the Doctor’s sprightly Edwardian roadster which he acquired when he was in his third incarnation. To celebrate his now being in his seventh body, UNIT had bought ‘WHO 7’ license plates for Bessie (the Who part coming from the Doctor’s real name – Doctor Who)
“We better go with the lesbian,” said Sabalom Glitz, also striding towards Bambera and Bessie.
“Oi! I ain’t a lesbian. Shame,” replied Bambera.
“Who do you think you’re kidding?” laughed Mel, following her lover Glitz towards the car. “Just look at your hair. Of course you’re into women.”
“Indeed. I’m not liking that stare she’s giving me,” added Professor Summerfield.
“Look,” reasoned the Doctor, “it doesn’t matter what the Brigadier’s orientation is, or whether or not I’ve seen her sex tapes.
We need to get to Surrey pronto and stop the attack of the Gugelhuff.” With that, all four time travellers boarded onto Bessie, and an angry Winifred Bambera drove off.
***
Of course there were many Gugelhuff that were invading Earth. At the Port of Nagoya Public Aquarium, a crowd of humans had gathered to watch a show. A dolphin sped through a pool and jumped up, hitting a suspended soccer ball with its head. As the crowd clapped its appreciation, there was another splash. A Gugelhuff had arrived. With a snare it mutilated the dolphin, and then turned on the shocked onlookers. Within minutes no living thing was left alive.
***
The Doctor and his gang didn’t reach Surrey. They didn’t even get half way. But as a New Zealander, I am unfamiliar with English geography, so I do not know the name of the little village that they were travelling through when they were confronted by a Gugelhuff. The Doctor gave the order for everyone to climb out of Bessie and hide behind her. The Gugelhuff encroached menacingly, gurgling slightly as it hobbled forward. Brigadier Bambera stood up and threw a grenade at it. The grenade bounced off, landed a couple of inches in front of it and exploded. Mel cheered. The smoke cleared, revealing the Gugelhuff, apparently unharmed.
“Shame,” said Bambera.
“Drats,” cursed the Doctor. “We’ll have to try another method.”
Behind him, Benny stood up and pulled out a small gun. She fired three shots in quick succession, all hitting the Gugelhuff. It merely laughed at the puny attack. “What now?” asked Benny in desperation.
“Not to worry my dear,” said Sabalom Glitz, standing up and pulling down his trousers to reveal a black g-string. Everyone except Mel grimaced in horror (Mel stared in delight).
“Why don’t you like that?” she asked the others, and also stood up and stripped to reveal her matching underwear.
Bernice sighed. “May as well join in too,” she said, showing off her black thong as well.
“Why do my associates have matching underwear?” queried the Doctor in an exasperated voice. Their underwear wasn’t helping in the fight against the Gugelhuff invasion.
“I dunno, those two look rather fetching I think,” said Bambera, pointing at Mel and Benny.
“See told you she was a lesbian,” said Glitz. “Anyway, enough distractions. Now it’s my turn to attack. He reached behind and pulled out a ninja star from the crack of his arse. Mel giggled. One point of the star was covered in brown poo. He threw the weapon at the Gugelhuff. It sliced through, cutting it in two, with the left hand cut of the Gugelhuff now flaked with the brownyness of Glitz’s poo. They all cheered, but quickly became silent again. The two pieces of the Gugelhuff shook slightly, and then each of them regrew to the original size. On each, the all-seeing single eye reappeared. All Glitz’s attack did was double their woes.
“Quick, everyone back into Bessie,” ordered the Doctor. “Bambera, drive us to our TARDIS.”
***
All around the world Gugelhuffs were attacking, maiming, and killing all humans. Helpless, the Doctor and his associates entered the TARDIS and dematerialised. They had given up. The Gugelhuff were invincible. Earth was now in the hands of the Gugelhuff.
***
Scene: Heaven. The soothing tones of an Alvin Stardust concert wafted down the hallway and into a room. God and two lovely angels were seated at a table. God, also wearing a black g-string like Glitz, Mel and Benny (but in his case it was the only thing that he was wearing) was pointing excitedly at some poker cards on the table. In response, a busty blonde haired angel shrugged her shoulders and slipped off her white laced bra. She brought up one of her hands to cover her breasts. God slumped his head slightly in disappointment. The other angel, also only in her underwear, picked up the cards and started shuffling them.
“Knockity knock knock!” came a call from outside. Jesus then opened the door, interrupting his father’s strip poker game.
“For my sake, don’t ruin my fun!” he fumed, pointing an angry finger in Christ’s direction.
“Sorry to interrupt, my father” he said, kowtowing, “but an urgent matter has arisen on Earth. The Gugelhuffs have taken over.”
God sighed. The Gugelhuffs were not due to take control of the Earth for another 116 years. He took his leave from the sexy angels, put his robe back on and strode to his observation deck overlooking Earth. He raised his fingers and wiggled them mysteriously. A mist rained down on the Earth, melting all the Gugelhuffs. Earth was temporarily saved, no thanks to the Doctor.
***
Epilogue
A cloaked figure watch on a hidden spaceship in the outer reaches of the Solar System watched a small view screen as the heavenly mist fell upon the Earth. NOOOOOO!!! The almighty intervention had foiled their plan. Earth was not taken over. The plan failed. The mystery figure would have to come up with a new way to take over the planet. Angrily, Alpha Centauri got up and left the room...
“I’ll get it,” she called out to the rest of her family. She opened the door to find a strange thing staring back at her. The Gugelhuff, 1 foot wide and 7 inches tall, hopped forward. It had a single eye, unblinking and fill of hate. Mrs Matterson screamed as the Gugelhuff opened wide and consumed her. The rest of the family could not hear the scream nor the Gugelhuff’s belch over their laughter at ol’ Benny’s antics. Undisturbed, the Gugelhuff turned around and walked back down the garden path and approached the next house. Mrs Harrison too was eaten by the Gugelhuff.And young Jimmy Jones. And many other residents of Pudding Crescent.
***
“Another disused junkyard. Really?”
Professor Bernice Summerfield was getting rather angry. This was now three junkyards in a row that the Doctor had taken her to. The first one was an accident (a bit of fluff got caught in the time rotor); the second was an accident too (“oops. Pushed the wrong button,” explained the Doctor) but this one was intentional.
“My dear Benny, as an archaeologist you should delight in the opportunity to go through this mess,” said the Doctor, indicating the huge piles of rubbish surrounding them. “You might stumble upon something fascinating. Aaaah, there it is.” He pointed forwards, at some smoke emanating from a haphazard pile of rubble. Benny followed the Doctor, and as she drew nearer noticed a body of a short girl with red, curly hair lying motionless amongst the wreckage.
“A body,” she said, rather needlessly.
“Mel!” cried the Doctor, his Scottish twang echoing around the junkyard. He hurried forward and turned her over. Slowly her cute little eyelids fluttered. “Yes...” encouraged the Doctor.
“Glitz,” Mel said, in hardly more than a whisper. What did she mean?
“I’m here too Doctor,” declared Sabalom Glitz, approaching from behind Benny.
It was at that moment that Benny noticed something strange. She looked at the rubbish surrounding Mel and Glitz. It appeared to go together, and that it had crashed here. And when she squinted and turned her head sideways, it looked familiar. “Doctor, it’s the TARDIS!”
“Ahem,” coughed Glitzy (that was Mel’s nickname for him). “I think you’ll find that it is actually a collection of parts from my ship, the Nosferatu II, assembled in a manner resembling your TARDIS.”
“You tried to build a mini TARDIS? But why?” asked the Doctor.
“To give you this note you sent us,” said Glitz, stepping forward ominously and handing the Doctor a piece of paper. He looked down at it. It said just one word.
“Gugelhuff.”
***
Mrs Mills, of *the exact location must remain vague* was preparing for a good ol’ fashioned knees up. The turkey was in the oven, and her three cats were outside chasing birds. Any moment her guests were due to arrive. The sounds of the television were drifting into her kitchen. It was breaking news.
“Yes, yes, what we are hearing is of a wild Gugelhuff murdering innocent civilians in Surrey...”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Mrs Mills aloud, though there was nobody around to hear her. “I must inform the Doctor and UNIT.” You see, Mrs Mills, of *the exact location must remain vague*, was a former secret agent for the military organisation UNIT and helped the third incarnation of the Doctor on many dangerous missions. She reached for her telephone...
***
“Who was that?” asked Mel, as the Doctor finally finished his phone call.
“That Mel, was an old friend. That Gugelhuff that you and Glitz came to warn me about is loose in Surrey.
“Surrey?” exclaimed Benny. “But that’s miles away. How are we going to get down there?”
At that moment, their attention was diverted by a flash of yellow entering the junkyard. “Doctor!” came a gruff cry from the flash of yellow.
“Ah, Brigadier,” said the Doctor affectionately, stepping towards the newcomer. It was Brigadier Winifred Bambera, the current head of UNIT. She was sitting in the driver’s seat of Bessie. Bessie was the Doctor’s sprightly Edwardian roadster which he acquired when he was in his third incarnation. To celebrate his now being in his seventh body, UNIT had bought ‘WHO 7’ license plates for Bessie (the Who part coming from the Doctor’s real name – Doctor Who)
“We better go with the lesbian,” said Sabalom Glitz, also striding towards Bambera and Bessie.
“Oi! I ain’t a lesbian. Shame,” replied Bambera.
“Who do you think you’re kidding?” laughed Mel, following her lover Glitz towards the car. “Just look at your hair. Of course you’re into women.”
“Indeed. I’m not liking that stare she’s giving me,” added Professor Summerfield.
“Look,” reasoned the Doctor, “it doesn’t matter what the Brigadier’s orientation is, or whether or not I’ve seen her sex tapes.
We need to get to Surrey pronto and stop the attack of the Gugelhuff.” With that, all four time travellers boarded onto Bessie, and an angry Winifred Bambera drove off.
***
Of course there were many Gugelhuff that were invading Earth. At the Port of Nagoya Public Aquarium, a crowd of humans had gathered to watch a show. A dolphin sped through a pool and jumped up, hitting a suspended soccer ball with its head. As the crowd clapped its appreciation, there was another splash. A Gugelhuff had arrived. With a snare it mutilated the dolphin, and then turned on the shocked onlookers. Within minutes no living thing was left alive.
***
The Doctor and his gang didn’t reach Surrey. They didn’t even get half way. But as a New Zealander, I am unfamiliar with English geography, so I do not know the name of the little village that they were travelling through when they were confronted by a Gugelhuff. The Doctor gave the order for everyone to climb out of Bessie and hide behind her. The Gugelhuff encroached menacingly, gurgling slightly as it hobbled forward. Brigadier Bambera stood up and threw a grenade at it. The grenade bounced off, landed a couple of inches in front of it and exploded. Mel cheered. The smoke cleared, revealing the Gugelhuff, apparently unharmed.
“Shame,” said Bambera.
“Drats,” cursed the Doctor. “We’ll have to try another method.”
Behind him, Benny stood up and pulled out a small gun. She fired three shots in quick succession, all hitting the Gugelhuff. It merely laughed at the puny attack. “What now?” asked Benny in desperation.
“Not to worry my dear,” said Sabalom Glitz, standing up and pulling down his trousers to reveal a black g-string. Everyone except Mel grimaced in horror (Mel stared in delight).
“Why don’t you like that?” she asked the others, and also stood up and stripped to reveal her matching underwear.
Bernice sighed. “May as well join in too,” she said, showing off her black thong as well.
“Why do my associates have matching underwear?” queried the Doctor in an exasperated voice. Their underwear wasn’t helping in the fight against the Gugelhuff invasion.
“I dunno, those two look rather fetching I think,” said Bambera, pointing at Mel and Benny.
“See told you she was a lesbian,” said Glitz. “Anyway, enough distractions. Now it’s my turn to attack. He reached behind and pulled out a ninja star from the crack of his arse. Mel giggled. One point of the star was covered in brown poo. He threw the weapon at the Gugelhuff. It sliced through, cutting it in two, with the left hand cut of the Gugelhuff now flaked with the brownyness of Glitz’s poo. They all cheered, but quickly became silent again. The two pieces of the Gugelhuff shook slightly, and then each of them regrew to the original size. On each, the all-seeing single eye reappeared. All Glitz’s attack did was double their woes.
“Quick, everyone back into Bessie,” ordered the Doctor. “Bambera, drive us to our TARDIS.”
***
All around the world Gugelhuffs were attacking, maiming, and killing all humans. Helpless, the Doctor and his associates entered the TARDIS and dematerialised. They had given up. The Gugelhuff were invincible. Earth was now in the hands of the Gugelhuff.
***
Scene: Heaven. The soothing tones of an Alvin Stardust concert wafted down the hallway and into a room. God and two lovely angels were seated at a table. God, also wearing a black g-string like Glitz, Mel and Benny (but in his case it was the only thing that he was wearing) was pointing excitedly at some poker cards on the table. In response, a busty blonde haired angel shrugged her shoulders and slipped off her white laced bra. She brought up one of her hands to cover her breasts. God slumped his head slightly in disappointment. The other angel, also only in her underwear, picked up the cards and started shuffling them.
“Knockity knock knock!” came a call from outside. Jesus then opened the door, interrupting his father’s strip poker game.
“For my sake, don’t ruin my fun!” he fumed, pointing an angry finger in Christ’s direction.
“Sorry to interrupt, my father” he said, kowtowing, “but an urgent matter has arisen on Earth. The Gugelhuffs have taken over.”
God sighed. The Gugelhuffs were not due to take control of the Earth for another 116 years. He took his leave from the sexy angels, put his robe back on and strode to his observation deck overlooking Earth. He raised his fingers and wiggled them mysteriously. A mist rained down on the Earth, melting all the Gugelhuffs. Earth was temporarily saved, no thanks to the Doctor.
***
Epilogue
A cloaked figure watch on a hidden spaceship in the outer reaches of the Solar System watched a small view screen as the heavenly mist fell upon the Earth. NOOOOOO!!! The almighty intervention had foiled their plan. Earth was not taken over. The plan failed. The mystery figure would have to come up with a new way to take over the planet. Angrily, Alpha Centauri got up and left the room...